tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79270182540248400462024-03-12T20:49:57.147-07:00Island StrifeRandom musings, writing and ranting about life, love and little ones on an Island.Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-82036622795431189662018-12-06T07:50:00.000-08:002018-12-06T07:50:34.558-08:00Holly Willoughby's Legs<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Like a *<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">few* other people around the country, I have
found myself watching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m A Celebrity </i>these
past few weeks. Random celebrities thrust together in a make believe jungle
with no phones, no make up and no PR people on hand to stop them from telling
all and/or being an arsehole – what’s not to love? (Though, to be fair, this
year the only aresholes have been the pig anuses they’ve been made to
eat). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">But the biggest surprise for me this series, apart from the fleeting
fanny-flutter crush I developed out of the blue for Nick Knowles (its okay,
I’ve recovered my senses) – the <i>biggest</i> surprise has been Holly Willoughby’s
legs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">What wonderful things they are. I’ve become quite obsessed with them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Long and lean and tanned and even-toned - legs that manage to look amazing even
in durable, hard-arse boots. They’re not too skinny, they’re not too muscular
try-hard gym-like - they are, like Goldilocks's eventual porridge, just right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I went through some kind of seven stages of leg admiration
– starting off with surprise (<i>W</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ow, I
never realised she had such good legs</i>!), then appreciation (<i>W</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hat fine legs they are!</i>) and then I got
to envy and it all turned sour. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I WISH I
had legs like that. What can I do to get legs like that? Go to the gym? Get a
tan? I want to rock a mini-skirt and chunky boot combo! I NEED LEGS LIKE THOSE!
</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Truth is, after much cog-turning, I realised I can never have legs like
those. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I am 5 foot 1 ½ (the half is V important when you’re working on this
level), I am covered in moles and I have knock knees. So unless I want to
Kardashian the shit out of my legs and spend a serious amount of time on a
stretching rack of some kind, they will never look like that. I started
resenting the legs - they were taunting me, in all their perfectness through the
screen. Damn legs. How can some people have legs like that and some of us so
not. Where’s the fair in that? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJPW9UsuyTDPSlVN6blqSUgqd_dQdv5wEl7NP24ia7ao_brKzzY3hhyphenhyphenzAG4gi19kJYWs4ofo7k_XlppO8Kav38WeABEHv19QljhhlBxWtnHi5QNyBVUKDl_zXUaERhyphenhyphen_DH0-QvzzEKfomF/s1600/thumbnail_IMG_1517.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJPW9UsuyTDPSlVN6blqSUgqd_dQdv5wEl7NP24ia7ao_brKzzY3hhyphenhyphenzAG4gi19kJYWs4ofo7k_XlppO8Kav38WeABEHv19QljhhlBxWtnHi5QNyBVUKDl_zXUaERhyphenhyphen_DH0-QvzzEKfomF/s200/thumbnail_IMG_1517.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Finally though, I have reached acceptance, cos, you know, what else can
you do? I will never have legs like that, fact. BUT I have pretty decent ears
and my feet are nice and small and I make a mean beef casserole. And, let’s be
honest, making a good casserole is way more helpful than having good legs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">You never know, Holly might look at some part of
someone else and admire/appreciate/envy it, wish that that part of her body was
more like that – (though maybe not with quite as much vigour as I have
done here). </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Maybe she loves her legs but
wishes her casserole skills were better?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Any way, my point is, we all have bits about ourselves that are not quite as
we wish they would be, but we all have other bits of ourselves that are pretty
bloody awesome to make up for it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">So me and my short, knock-kneed legs and decent ears are off to make an
amazing casserole to eat while watching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m
A Celeb</i> tonight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-25343048726961904692018-07-05T08:27:00.001-07:002018-07-05T08:27:46.312-07:00I Hate Editing<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hate editing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hated editing essays at university, I hated editing VT
segments working in TV, and I red-hot-with-a-passion hate editing my
manuscripts. Going in to the process feels like stripping naked and diving into
a vat of treacle. Then having a swarm of wasps launched at you. And then
walking over hot coals. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My first manuscript got drawered mid-edit as I had lost all
sense of any of the words that floated in front of me on the page. And my head
was close to exploding. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know many people who feel exactly the opposite – who see
editing as where the magic happens, where you get to mould and shape your
original, newborn thoughts, to gather the random ideas and thread them together
into Something Special. I envy those people, God I envy those people. Every
time I talk to one of those people I consider asking them to crack open a
fortune cookie with me in the hope that we might do some kind of Freaky Friday-esque
mind swap.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So anyway, I have recently come to the end of a big edit. And
after a few weeks of rocking in the corner in the foetal position, I’m now
ready to talk about Things I Did Better This Time Round which meant that my
manuscript didn’t end up sent to the drawer colonies with its sad, incomplete
older sibling.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnOQqbONQZZXGrBWqzC31dEoxqMhexXI_wmK8rUZx0bMbnCMsJtX4RXi18ZnAWZNmm0SuQKD58BjLwA5PjaerPKo-aWkT-xjzgUBxFUkruxgsjM589QF_ghdnP59hpC_ys3WDpd1e6cNHk/s1600/thumbnail_011679ba-e9cb-4889-96f2-bd1667a98ba6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="333" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnOQqbONQZZXGrBWqzC31dEoxqMhexXI_wmK8rUZx0bMbnCMsJtX4RXi18ZnAWZNmm0SuQKD58BjLwA5PjaerPKo-aWkT-xjzgUBxFUkruxgsjM589QF_ghdnP59hpC_ys3WDpd1e6cNHk/s320/thumbnail_011679ba-e9cb-4889-96f2-bd1667a98ba6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;">1.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;"> </span></b></span><b style="text-indent: -18pt;">I took a decent amount of time away from my
manuscript once I finished the first draft.</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone tells you to do this. I thought I had done this
with my previous MS, but looking back I think my ‘decent’ amount of time then
was approx. 3 days (it’s just TOO exciting when you’ve finished your first book).
This time round I left it for a month – and took that time to put my mind to
something completely different – mostly watching crap reality TV and napping,
whatever took my mind off it. It helped SO much. By the time I got back to it,
I really did feel like I had had a proper break, like I was ready to dive back
in to it and like I was coming to it with the ever-illusive ‘fresh eyes’. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;"><b>2.</b> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -18pt;">I read through the whole manuscript as little as
possible.</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With now-drawered MS, I felt like whenever I’d made any
remotely big changes, I needed to read it through from the beginning – to get
the ‘feel’ of it, to try and read it as a reader, to get a sense of the impact
the changes had made. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
NO. There is no need for this. This is not a thing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is probably what caused me the biggest head-bends. By
the time I got to editing three quarters of the way through I was sick to death
of the beginning and was skim reading it anyway, therefore getting no value
from the process whatsoever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With the latest one, I only read through the whole MS twice
– once when I came back to it after my initial month away, and once when I
thought (ha!) I had finished a full edit, and it worked so much better for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;">3.</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;"><b> </b></span></span><b style="text-indent: -18pt;">I was systematic about my edits.</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time round, I made myself take a much more systematic
and disciplined approach to editing. First off, I effectively took a very large
step back from it and viewed it as a piece of work rather than my beloved, much
angsted-over, heart-poured-into baby. I marked the document with little things
as I went along – typos, scenes that weren’t quite working, bits that felt
boring etc. and I made a note of bigger, whole book things that needed looking
at. I wrote the big changes on a piece of flipchart paper that I stuck on the
wall and I worked my way through them one by one. There ended up being 5 main
areas that needed a significant amount of work – and it was a significant
amount – but when there were just 5 one sentence headlines for those areas on
the wall it felt much more manageable. I worked my through, not letting myself
stress about the next thing, only concentrating on one at a time. Baby steps,
keep on swimming etc etc. Chipping away at it bit by bit and not letting myself
think bigger picture worked. I left the smaller manuscript changes until the
end, when my brain was too tired from the deeper thinking, but I had a sense of
achievement at completing the big edits – I powered through these notes as they
felt so gloriously easy to fix. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHIqwH9qwR6BMwU_x9tyahoEiKkZiC7MVW6u6irrQxPNJeCt_anaxjqSn_yXnK9pLQ_I0voyXCzt8aZ1xV47Y0gXLBnzqUFUGcnrH_YGj_X3wxW8Ein1-DWBVA6BMNF8HvRAAZRTTYpvX/s1600/thumbnail_IMG_9633.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHIqwH9qwR6BMwU_x9tyahoEiKkZiC7MVW6u6irrQxPNJeCt_anaxjqSn_yXnK9pLQ_I0voyXCzt8aZ1xV47Y0gXLBnzqUFUGcnrH_YGj_X3wxW8Ein1-DWBVA6BMNF8HvRAAZRTTYpvX/s320/thumbnail_IMG_9633.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p><span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;"><b>4. </b></span></span><b style="text-indent: -18pt;">I used index cards (finally)!</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have, over-enthusiastically, had a few packs of
multi-coloured index cards in my drawer since about the time I first started
writing seriously. I’d never used them. I wanted to, how I wanted to, but I
could never work out what I would need them for. Until this edit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On each card I wrote the chapter number, the location, the
characters featured and the main action. I know other people would include
other aspects like emotional impact but I didn’t feel I needed that. I was
working with a split time frame so I colour coded them according to if they
were in the present or the future, organised them into 5 acts and stuck those
suckers on my wall. I found this so useful for lots of reasons – it helped me
to see if acts were too short or long, to see if there were too many chapters
set in the present/future in a row, to see if characters didn’t get a look in
for a while and to see the arc of the action. It helped me to realise that the
shape of the story needed to change, that there needed to be more build up in a
certain section, that my second act was flat as a pancake. And, as stupid as it
sounds, the physical act of writing out the cards, sticking them on the wall
and re-organising where needed helped me to feel like I was actually DOING
something. In the general fug of editing it sometimes feels like all you do is
stare at a screen and silently scream, so the actual doing was amazingly
motivational.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal;">5. </span></b></span><b style="text-indent: -18pt;">I used my utterly wonderful crit group - sparingly.</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A good crit group is a thing of beauty and probably the
single best thing you can do to improve your writing – and keep you writing in
the first place. I met mine at a SCBWI retreat and completely lucked out. They
motivate me, inspire me, support me and are extremely patient with me. Last
time round, I sent them about 52 drafts of my MS. Uncomplaining, they read the
52 drafts and gave me brilliant notes, but ultimately, as I did, they reached
their saturation point. It was hard for anyone to remember which thread I’d kept
in/taken out, which character I’d changed in which draft and generally what any
of the words meant anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time round, I waited until I’d done my first edit of
the whole MS before I sent it to them and then only sent it to them one other
time (twice more to one of them, but she’s an actual editor so she’s well able
to handle it). It meant they really were coming to it as a reader and were able
to pick up on things I no longer could and, perhaps more importantly, could
tell whether or not the changes I’d made had improved it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that’s that. An edit complete, the first of many more to
come, I’m sure. Luckily, I’ll feel more prepared for the next one and less like
I want to lock myself in dark cupboard and poke darts in my eyes rather than
get on with it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-46020096286410241082016-10-19T05:33:00.000-07:002016-10-19T05:33:04.317-07:00Why Bridget Jones is Dead to Me<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why Bridget Jones is Dead to Me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwaun89FXEpd3VCBEh9OQIDt8eK0Y0cpklksRhcmULH_SWq35Zu3Hz-pPsTDszIXq6ZX_prnvW1ldkaa6pkFb5d8WAenaLtnbnMxKr8lwT_JS_HCrwgTpcCTOmjrLGh2s56S6XH4xmkCma/s1600/o-RENEE-ZELLWEGER-570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwaun89FXEpd3VCBEh9OQIDt8eK0Y0cpklksRhcmULH_SWq35Zu3Hz-pPsTDszIXq6ZX_prnvW1ldkaa6pkFb5d8WAenaLtnbnMxKr8lwT_JS_HCrwgTpcCTOmjrLGh2s56S6XH4xmkCma/s320/o-RENEE-ZELLWEGER-570.jpg" width="278" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*Why Bridget Jones Can go Fuck Herself*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let me start by saying I am not a Bridget Jones snob (I’m
talking about the films here). I don’t have a problem with a well made rom-com.
In fact, I bloody love them. I was surprised by how many of my friends had no
interest in going to see the latest film when it came out. I don’t remember
people being so stuck up about the first one – maybe they were and I just
didn’t notice or maybe we were just all younger and not so discerning in our
film choices (Muppets Treasure Island anyone?). I thought the first films were
pretty alright – good for a mild laugh and good to watch someone on screen who
seemed as much as a fuck up as we all felt. And so, when the latest instalment,
Bridget Jones’s Baby (spoiler alert) was released, I was looking forward to
seeing it. Partly for the sake of nostalgia, partly to meet up with an old
friend again (to be clear, I mean Bridget). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I left the
cinema feeling thoroughly, punched-in-the-gut depressed, like everything I
believed had been blown up, like the oh-so-comfy slightly kooky colourful rug I
loved had been pulled from under me in one fell cinema swoop. It’s taken me a
while to get my thoughts together and to work out exactly what it is about the
whole sorry affair that has pushed my buttons so. I’m still not clear, but here
are some thoughts…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">First off, lets address the big,
botoxed elephant in the room – Renee Can-you-tell-who-I-am-yet Zellweger. She
wasn’t the most popular choice to begin with – and rightly so I think. I know,
I know, the whole point of being an actor or a writer is that you can
re-imagine yourself and put yourself, convincingly, in other people’s shoes. I
get that – but come on now, within reason please! I was pleasantly surprised by
her in the first films. I semi-admired that she put on weight for the role,
while at the same time despising that it was such a hardship for her to come
off whatever the latest kale and urine type Hollywood diet she was on to do so.
Anyway, she did it, and we related to her – what 30 something woman hasn’t had
weight woes, after all (and if you haven’t then you should probably stop
reading – this isn’t the article for you – lucky bitch). She smoked, she drank
too much, she lived alone, she had solid, slightly weird friends, she was
trying to forge some kind of a career and she repeatedly made a twat out of
herself. It was relatable and it was funny, if a little cheddar-</span>laden. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fast
forward 12 years and Bridget is a completely different beast. She’s now reached
her ‘ideal’ weight of a size 8 – YES, OF COURSE SHE FUCKING HAS, because it’s
quite common for women to squeeze into a size 8 in their 40s as their
metabolism is completely giving up on them, THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS. It’s not even
the unrealistic slant of this, it’s the way that it’s just randomly dropped
into the start of the film that that’s what’s happened and then never referred
to again. I imagine it’s because this time around Zellweger couldn’t be arsed
to go through the harsh regime of eating bacon sandwiches and other such food
of the Devil to make herself look ‘normal’ – maybe because she realises, as a
40 something woman, how much harder it is to get the weight off again (see
earlier point re: metabolism). So, there’s that, which is irksome, but more
than that is the face. I mean, I know she’s had a hard time in the press over
it but rightly so, I say. She is almost unrecognisable. This might wash with an
American audience (and let’s face it, that’s who these films have been made for
ultimately), where cosmetic surgery is common place and they’re used to people
morphing into other-wordly, scraped back versions of their former selves that
are unable to form an expression. But it doesn’t work here. And that’s the
point – Bridget is British. In the original columns of her conception, her very
essence is British, she is the embodiment of very British womanisms – drinking
too much, smoking too much, worrying about weight, generally being a bit of a
twat. Without wishing to sound like a member of the BNP, Bridget is British and
should’ve been played by someone British who understands her. I spent the whole
movie watching this strange-faced, elasticated, skinny version of someone who I
knew would be running back to her trailer to recover by inhaling some imported
oxygen or eating a baby’s foreskin. The whole point of the cinema is to suspend
your disbelief and I simply couldn’t do that with her in this film.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So she’s my
main problem, but there are others – for example, we see far less of the
friends in this film. Maybe that’s a reflection of life in your 40s compared to
your 30s, maybe a lot of stuff was cut – either way, they were an essential
part of Bridget’s story and now they’re just an aside and the film is less
funny for it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The swoon-worthy American – OF COURSE there’s a swoon-worthy
American. Really? REALLY? In all my time in London, I have never met an
American who looks even remotely like Patrick Dempsey and if I did, I would
bloody well end up with him instead of an uptight lawyer (except I wouldn’t
because he would have some stunning, American 20 something, tight-arsed,
perky-breasted wife on his arm). I know, if films were completely realistic
they’d be bloody boring – but really? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And, of course, the ending. I got the same sense of being
let down that I did from Sex and the City (I was never team Big – why would you
be – he was an arrogant, misogynistic, old wanker). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So
basically, taking all that into consideration, I feel like the problem is that
Bridget has been utterly Americanised and it has taken all of her appeal away.
If I wanted to see a saccharine, unbelievable rom-com filled with demi-god
males and plastic females I’d stick with the back catalogue thanks – Maid in
Manhattan, The Bounty-Hunter, Wanderlust, Made of Honour, Failure to Launch…The
list goes on. And on. And on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Bridget was always something a bit different. And now she’s
not. You can’t really blame Zellweger – she doesn’t know any better – but Helen
Fielding, Sharon Maguire and Emma Thompson – Emma bloody Thompson – you should
all be ashamed of yourselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have a single
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tried to tempt her with wine, on me – ‘it would still make me hurl’ was her
response. In hindsight, I think she made the right choice. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-79720761076040747352015-01-07T06:23:00.000-08:002015-01-07T08:49:47.958-08:00Guilty as Charged<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mother’s Guilt – it’s a bitch.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdCUZON2eda-vbQBP960gH4HUK89y7U11rl45-52YCO_8S89aB0e44ePb-h-rkiM3JtNqwicAZio5YDvKP9Dd3Q68wttT4CvvDkMaeKgBHoga-f-OJHARw2jzMZ0Y5gtxqTbyLFjywSy2o/s1600/Unknown-5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdCUZON2eda-vbQBP960gH4HUK89y7U11rl45-52YCO_8S89aB0e44ePb-h-rkiM3JtNqwicAZio5YDvKP9Dd3Q68wttT4CvvDkMaeKgBHoga-f-OJHARw2jzMZ0Y5gtxqTbyLFjywSy2o/s1600/Unknown-5.jpeg" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br />
And quite honestly, I don’t think there’s anything like it.
It starts from before they’re even born – from the minute you find out you’ve
conceived. The awful moment, that hits you shortly after the (sometime)
excitement and happiness at finding out you’re pregnant, when your brain flicks
back over the past 4-6 weeks and every drink, cigarette, bender and recreational
drug flickers before your eyes, projected in multi-colour, cinema-sized,
infomercial glory. What have you done? You're such a bad mother, already – your
baby will surely be too small, or too big, or without an essential limb, or
stupid. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND THOSE 30 VODKA AND TONICS.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoT27UTSeBwJCRyZC_IYMSb_QywSwpBnjAi2NA8RSgU-ct4oPrEy4lGYM540wfUEIMifrcbwYRwLCmGeg8ZClGJhUDynhEatfTBvDm9TrmYoFciKzogStTFI0OFNf5R90eQE1UVE32GNvT/s1600/Unknown-6.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoT27UTSeBwJCRyZC_IYMSb_QywSwpBnjAi2NA8RSgU-ct4oPrEy4lGYM540wfUEIMifrcbwYRwLCmGeg8ZClGJhUDynhEatfTBvDm9TrmYoFciKzogStTFI0OFNf5R90eQE1UVE32GNvT/s1600/Unknown-6.jpeg" height="200" width="183" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that’s just the start. Pregnancy is a long, hard,
guilt-ridden journey – am I eating well enough? Is it okay that I’ve had 3 sips
of wine my entire pregnancy? Have I had my five-a-day? Am I having enough
calcium for its bones to grow? Am I too stressed? Should I be doing pre-natal
yoga? Should I be playing classical music to my bump? If I don’t, will my baby
grow up needing therapy? God help you if you stumble across an article raving
about the mystical benefits of some new super-gross, superfood – wheatgrass
anyone? I wallowed in the guilt, making sure I always had a packet or five of
nuts/seeds/dried fruit with me. Packets that remained in the bottom of my bag,
unopened and usually smudged in the remnants of a chocolate bar. I craved
salty, savoury, greasy food and got round the guilt by telling myself that, if my
body was craving it, it meant that my body needed it – for whatever reason. I
read that in one of the 100s of annoying, patronising, contradictory pregnancy
books I had rushed out to buy at the first sighting of the blue line. So, that
was my story and I was sticking to it. I envied pregnant people around me who
craved fresh fruit and veg – really?! I had to force feed myself a sugar snap
pea every other day to make myself feel slightly better about the daily
portions of chips. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then the baby years – triple the guilt. With No. 1, I
was the full-on, wannabe-earth mother – taking him to baby swimming lessons,
baby-sensory classes (which can easily be achieved at home by shining some
torches in their face and giving them some tinfoil to play with), baby-music
classes and baby-massage (where he inevitably either slept through the class or
did a massive, up-the-back shit that meant I spent the whole session changing
him). I breastfed until he was about eight months, and felt enormously guilty
even stopping then. I did the whole organic, Annabel Whats-Her-Face mushed up
ice cube food – after pretty unsuccessfully trying Baby-Led Weaning which, the
books assured me, makes your babies grow up to be better eaters and, by
extension, better, fully-adjusted, responsible human beings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9IKGFuBGoCaEOm0GM12pKyx8W6xTe_yd4zMCenXv4Spr5fKd0sCsN2tnNA0RyYPVWgNzWFA7OEaO5ogvgPodB3G3c6hRAZQ1U5O5R7Ff1TjMNGtssMz16PVd2FwbxpmC4u5K6VDWLntDY/s1600/images-5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9IKGFuBGoCaEOm0GM12pKyx8W6xTe_yd4zMCenXv4Spr5fKd0sCsN2tnNA0RyYPVWgNzWFA7OEaO5ogvgPodB3G3c6hRAZQ1U5O5R7Ff1TjMNGtssMz16PVd2FwbxpmC4u5K6VDWLntDY/s1600/images-5.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course we do all that – at that stage, those little
bundles of ‘joy’ are the centre of our world. We want only the best for them
and we have the time, willingness and dregs of energy left to try and give it
them. By No. 2, it was an entirely different story. I was back at work, with a
toddler at home, so in terms of what I put into my body while I was pregnant
and exercising and playing Mozart to the damn bump – that was all out of the
picture. Before, and after, he was born, I did whatever I needed to get through
the day in one piece. I stopped breastfeeding much earlier – and felt great for
it. I’m not sure I took him to one single baby class other than ones he was
dragged along to that were necessary to keep his big brother occupied. And
weaning? Annabel Schnannabel – packet food all the way (although, to be fair, I
felt I still had to stick to the ridiculously over-priced organic stuff that
has done very well indeed from all the guilt floating round).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I felt guilty for going back to work, so eventually I gave
it up and stayed at home. At home, I felt guilty for not doing the all-singing,
all-dancing stay-at-home-Mum routine. Every now and then, I would
enthusiastically get the paints or craft out but, after the half an hour of setting
up, the boys normally lasted a grand total of about 7 minutes at any one
activity and then I was left with an almighty mess to clear up. I would get to
the end of the day and realise Cbeebies had been on so long we had ended up
watching the afternoon repeats of the morning shows. I shouldn’t let them watch
so much TV – but then how would I ever get any housework done? I should take
them out more, do some trips. Does going to Sainsburys count as an outing? I
should arrange play dates with their friends. Does going to see my friend, who
happens to have a child, count as a play date?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we first moved down to the Island, I was introduced to
some of the local mums who all happened to have little ones the same age as my
littlest. Upon asking if their child was at the pre-school, their response was
uniformly horrified – no way, they said, they wanted to get as much time at
home with them as possible. REALLY?! The guilt hit me then – am I a bad mother
for sending my child to pre-school? Am I an even worse mother because I cherish
those times? Because those times are the only times I can get things done,
relax, breathe…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recently, someone was telling of how, when they went back to
work teaching, they would see other mothers at the school gates with their
little ones, and it would rip her heart out to think of her 18 month old that
she had to put in nursery. Again, I felt the guilt – I remember the same
situation, but I would look at those mothers and feel sorry for them having to
spend the day battling toddler issues as I walked into the staff room, managed
a whole cup of tea without having to microwave it and then went about my day
using my mind, being creative and interacting with adults without being
interrupted every 30 seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been having to get used to the new waves of guilt
that come with the starting of school. There’s the obvious stuff like ‘am I
spending enough time on their homework/reading?’ but there’s also ones I hadn’t
expected – like when it’s a mufti day for cakes and you pass other mothers on
the school run carrying wonderful, well-decorated, fully-fluffy homemade
creations as I shuffle past with a pack of shop-bought plain cupcakes that I’ve
only just remembered to get. I feel guilty for not going in to read with the
class like other mothers. I feel guilty if they’re not doing enough after
school activities – surely they should be going to cubs? Or Beavers or Badgers
or whatever it is? Surely you can’t have a proper childhood without being a
Badger? I feel guilty every time I miss taking them to a swimming lesson – a
swimming lesson that involves me driving half an hour, getting them changed in
over-crowded, sauna-like changing rooms and then repeating in reverse after
half an hour. But sometimes I just can’t face it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not too long ago, after being at home for a few years, I was
driving over to my mother-in-laws with my two boys. It was an inset day, I
think. I explained that their cousin, let’s call her Ella, would be there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, and will Auntie Jane be there too?” my eldest asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No, not today, she’s working,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What?!” he replied, shocked, “I did not know that ladies
worked too.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Great! So now I had guilt for not working, in place of my
guilt for working and in addition to my guilt for being a less-than-perfect
stay-at-home mum. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve been told that this guilt – this endless,
all-encompassing, multi-faceted guilt - never goes away. In one form or
another, you will always feel guilty about something to do with your children,
even when they’re all grown up – I guess that’s when you can look back and
wonder if the therapy they’re now having really is because you never played
them classical music when they were in utero. I’m going back to work again
soon, and despite my eldest’s concern about who will look after him, I feel
pretty good about the decision. If I don’t go back to work, although they’d
have a mother who is at home, she may well end up an alcoholic, depressive one
and I’m pretty sure that would be a worse experience than having to go to
after-school club for an hour two days a week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I’ve got a lot worse to come – I can’t even imagine
when exams and grades and actual important decisions, other than to go to
Beavers or not, come into play. I’m trying to prepare. I’m learning to take
things as they come, to fight the natural inclination to compare myself to
other mothers and to congratulate myself, every now and then, on having come
this far with all of us in one piece. Turns
out not going to every faddy baby-class going and not being fed organic,
home-mashed mush doesn’t have a life-altering impact on your children after
all. At least it hasn’t yet…</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-17787119566472890292014-06-30T05:32:00.003-07:002014-06-30T05:32:50.870-07:00Ode to Best Friends - Mine, in Particular<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3vols2S5cO3FF_TVWsuPg6jrplqDMp4R8pfMelPcLwbvnfCULhPnJtB6VRDRWrtB0x7k3jk6U5Igm1U6ERoEHsHhuB2RidzIaAEXSJSj3mmkjVT4kNm9M02gdvKm2w7xxlgCxeT-W1uAC/s1600/images-3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3vols2S5cO3FF_TVWsuPg6jrplqDMp4R8pfMelPcLwbvnfCULhPnJtB6VRDRWrtB0x7k3jk6U5Igm1U6ERoEHsHhuB2RidzIaAEXSJSj3mmkjVT4kNm9M02gdvKm2w7xxlgCxeT-W1uAC/s1600/images-3.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Friendship is a strange beast – it comes and goes throughout
your life – more so in the early years, it seems, and with more passion in
those years too. Nowadays, meeting people and making new friends tends to be
all about the school run and you children’s classmates. No one has a proper
identity in this friendship world, you’re just so-and-so’s mum. Your opening
question isn’t ‘what do you do?’, it’s ‘how old is so-and-so’? You hope that
you’ll meet someone who you actually like and want to hang out with, but even
then it can be a slow road – first, a coffee, then maybe a play date, if you’re
feeling it – maybe a dinner with the partners further down the road and this is
when it gets properly interesting, when bits of yourself start to come out,
rather than just mum-you. And then you just hope the real you and the real them
still get on (will they still like me when they know my secret passion is
Morris Dancing?). Making friends is definitely not like it used to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even as an adult, I’ve made some brilliant friends who I’m
really close to – but this has mostly been in extreme circumstances. I joined a
tough, inner-city London primary school as an NQT the same time as four others
NQTs and, my God, that’s a bonding experience. We were instantly thrown
together, at the deep end – one of first training sessions was on how to safely
restrain pupils – oh, how we laughed. We shared many tears (he threw a chair at
me in the middle of my observation), laughs (What? She actually pissed herself
on the deputy’s lap?!) and trips to the pub in our effort to survive. I know
for a fact I would not have made it through that year, and the ones that
followed, without these women.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was pregnant with my first, I went to an NCT group,
dreading what might be waiting for me, having heard horror stories of hideous
people in hideous groups. I totally lucked out, my group was brilliant – with
not a hint of hideous. Talking about your fears of childbirth, practising
birthing positions together and spending far too much time concentrating on
your vaginas and what is soon to come out of them, makes for firm friendships
too. And then, of course, the months after, when you’re reduced to a fraction
of yourself and can’t think straight, let alone put a proper sentence together.
“Does yours sleep?” “What colour is his shit?” “Does that constant crying and
stressing and bad nappies and irritability mean he’s teething?” (I shudder just
remembering this). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Going through the same experience, letting people see you,
and help you, at your worst – these are what makes good friendships. I was very
fortunate – all these people also happen to be some of my favourite people
ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You might not find good work colleagues, and you might have
had a hideous NCT group but, if you’re very lucky, you have a best friend –
someone who knows you better than pretty much anyone, someone you can totally
trust to tell you it how it is, someone who’s there to enjoy the good times and
coax you through the bad. Someone who has seen you grown and develop into the
person you are today and doesn’t hold any of the many moronic things you’ve
done in your past against you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhmXzBPQEmZkXNYyJsrfDzxQcOgJiOkQYg4X6kl7sTc-7ORpGB_vPzmIXAvLdW-jTSwX79WO9fpnFN1BVpZVItTid6jQq_zcVhUv48R3s5q_KIdeMBCzBjG9Ne7KLrGAQptqhg28Bb_UCX/s1600/Unknown-3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhmXzBPQEmZkXNYyJsrfDzxQcOgJiOkQYg4X6kl7sTc-7ORpGB_vPzmIXAvLdW-jTSwX79WO9fpnFN1BVpZVItTid6jQq_zcVhUv48R3s5q_KIdeMBCzBjG9Ne7KLrGAQptqhg28Bb_UCX/s1600/Unknown-3.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am very lucky – I have a best friend, and she kicks ass. Our
journey is a bit like a romcom love story, but for friends – we met in our
first year of secondary school – on the first day, to be exact. I saw her
across a crowded hall and instantly decided I wanted to be her friend – she
looked cool and relaxed (which is pretty hysterical as she isn’t know for being
either of those things). We went through a few failed best friend
relationships, as you do at that age, before we ‘found each other’ and, apart
from a brief lull when I went to a different sixth form college, we have
remained insanely close. We’ve survived location changes – (Manchester, London,
Oxford, Isle of Wight) – bad boyfriends and boyfriend changes – (a certain
‘frying-pan-in-the-face’ boyfriend springs to mind) – career changes, dumping,
being dumped, trying for babies, having babies and all that comes inbetween. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know some women who are so close to their best friends
they help them wax – Judys and all - and have baths together a la Girls. D and
I aren’t quite like that – we have had a bath together, but it was at school,
in full uniform and we did it thinking it would be funny, which it was, for
about 4 minutes and then we were just wet and cold and in a lot of trouble. We
used to hide ourselves in cupboards with our stash of ‘tuck’ – which ALWAYS
consisted of pickled onion Monster Munch (all very Mallory Towers, I know) and
moan about dorm-mates who were pissing us off. We had food fights, talc fights,
secret cigarettes, illicit trips to the pub and everything else you do with a
best friend at school. I’ve recently found my diaries from school, which make
me blush and cringe and nauseous all at once – I was vaguely surprised to see
that on at least every few pages there is some kind of reference to D along the
lines of ‘I don’t know how I would survive this place without her’ or ‘Thank
God for D, she’s the only person who really gets me’. Only surprised, by the
way, that I did actually appreciate her properly back then (although I’m sure I
rarely showed it).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At university, (we happened, without consultation, to go to
the same one) we moved into a new era. More drinking - this time not illicitly
- more dramas, more new experiences. We moved away from locking ourselves in
cupboards – that would just be weird - and instead embraced the Chinese meal.
This has now become our ritual. We don’t approach it as a normal Chinese meal –
for us, it is an epic. We’re talking 4-5 hours, 4-5 bottles of wine, lots of
food, shithead inbetween courses and much much much talking (too loudly) and
laughing (too loudly). We have had many dirty looks from staff and customers
alike at many different establishments over the years. It’s like my therapy –
if we haven’t had a Chinese for a while I get twitchy and irritable and grumpy.
When I once got dumped by a long-term boyfriend, D did a mercy mission up to
Carlisle, where I was staying with my sister, for a Chinese therapy session.
That was a particularly big one. I think we were the first and last people in
the restaurant and disturbed everyone with our crying and laughing and sex talk
(there’s always sex talk). We ended up lost on the way home, walking along the
M6 very late at night and decided, in our wisdom, to call D’s housemate who was
from Cumbria somewhere and therefore MUST know where my sister lived. Not
surprisingly, he didn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since all of that, of course, there have been husbands and
now children – 3 on her end, 2 on mine – children, not husbands. D got pregnant
first which proved to be amazing as she could fill me in on all things
pregnancy-related. Her mother is a midwife and had informed D that nearly all
women shit themselves giving birth. We had no knowledge of this and were,
obviously, horrified – we spent our days fretting about the possibility and thinking
up ways to avoid it. I visited her in hospital after she had her first and she
visited me at home after mine so we’ve both seen each other’s children within
hours of them being born. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nowadays, our meet ups are less regular and a God-send when
they do happen. We text a lot now – about 20-30 times a day, with content that
ranges from serious to venting to silly and surreal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some recent examples:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: It’s really unfortunate but whenever I do a hot fart I
think of you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: But why? That is a
hideous association.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: When we went glamping – I said I’d done a hot fart and
you said you’d never heard of that, and how could a fart be hot. Now whenever I
do one, you come to mind!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: MBA!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: That was meant to
be Ha! Not a cool street abbreviation.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: MBA! I like it. You’re so street.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglgQcnAWngjPgv9DW0mJ4Bxnu8almQWHEJGb-mAYmckUfuUxvmR17gZwTkdDQ7cGkfcnqJ7Z8GCYARwaFPWaq6cGlFr4q0IzfUbnnitUjLxNGKs9VZC7LVEFkreUtvn2w-PYGr1cZ8k6hT/s1600/images-4.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglgQcnAWngjPgv9DW0mJ4Bxnu8almQWHEJGb-mAYmckUfuUxvmR17gZwTkdDQ7cGkfcnqJ7Z8GCYARwaFPWaq6cGlFr4q0IzfUbnnitUjLxNGKs9VZC7LVEFkreUtvn2w-PYGr1cZ8k6hT/s1600/images-4.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This text conversation happened while watching an England
match:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I never can tell when the ball has actually gone in. I
thought that free kick had gone in for a minute then. I didn’t jump up in
excitement though. That would just be embarrassing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I straightened my
back. I think that is the middle-aged equivalent.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Ha! I actually just lolled!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Please tell me you
have more than gin to consume. I can’t drink alone.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I have more gin? I can picture us in a film with a split
screen scene – both watching the football and drinking alone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I don’t think we
would make the grade in Hollywood. Sadly.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: But neither of us can act so we would be played by
American superstars. Me – Jennifer Anniston, you – Barbara Streisand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: WHAT?!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I was trying to be funny but couldn’t think of anyone on
the spot.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I am desperately
trying to think of a better match. I can’t.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Claire from Steps (the not too fat version), scrunching
her nose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I think I will
stick with Babs.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: You are SO not a middle-aged, Jewish New-Yorker with a
good voice.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I accept I am not a
Jewish New Yorker – but the rest is a good fit.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Lolled again. As if.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I am a little
comedy genius tonight it would seem. Splendid.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I am watching the football, desperately trying to think
of a better match for you than Babs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: What about…Penelope
Keith.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: OOOOOOOOH – poss, poss.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I can totally see
that – either as Margo or whoever she was in To The Manor Born. Prudish,
uptight, slightly overly posh, middle aged numpty.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: For the record, I in no way think Jen An is a match for
me. I was using it for not-so-comedic value.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: I was chuckling to
myself about you as Jen. Who would be your match?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: The Uruguay ians tops are very right. Nice to look at
but I imagine they may be uncomfortable to wear…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Tight? Yes. Bit
like cycling gear.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: oh yes, ducking auto-correct.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I just lolled at my own joke. I’m such a twat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Ha! Sally Fields?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Me or you?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Me, I think.
Originally popper into my head for you, but then decided she was too
conservative.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Poppered into your head?! I think you def need someone
English and posh for you. Hyacinth Bucket?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Nooooooo!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I love the way in which we are ‘watching’ this football.
We are totally going to miss any goals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Sssssh. I am
watching an important part.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: I think you Penelope Keith, me the little annoying one –
although I’m far less hippy and have much less fun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Kendal woman?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Yep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>D: Yes, I accept.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This keeps me going in between our meet ups, and, as I
thought at school, I don’t know how I’d survive without D.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a world where someone’s always asking something of me and
I’m constantly dealing with shit (literally) and mundane housework, and not
knowing what I’m doing with my life, and only meeting people who ask about my
children, not me - seeing D makes me feel like me again. And that’s what best
friends, mine in particular, is for.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-38654460267244627812014-06-05T11:36:00.002-07:002014-06-05T11:36:52.917-07:00Evolution<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cringe a lot throughout the day – I have much to cringe
about. I have had many embarrassing experiences that literally make me shudder
– or hum out loud – when I get flash backs to them. I say ‘embarrassing
experiences’, that makes it sound like slipping on a misplaced banana skin or
my skirt getting caught on a door and flashing my knickers, a la the Tena lady
ad. What’s more accurate is, times when I’ve been a dick. And there seem to be
a lot of those.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A while ago – a long time ago now, I guess – I met up with
some friends from my sixth form college when we were all working in London. I’d
got my first proper job in TV, it was going really well and the whole thing was
like a dream come true. We’d have idea meetings in the pub and the producer refused
to let runners pay for drinks as we earned so little so basically we got free
beer while working! I’d just been told I was going on the shoot to the States
and I was super happy. I felt like a rock star and think I may have tried
acting a bit like one too. I don’t think
I did anything majorly ridiculous, but looking back it does make me cringe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I keep thinking about getting in touch with those friends
and trying to arrange another meet up – it would be great to see them, and it
would be a bonus to show them that that</span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">was a passing phase and I’m actually
much more decent now. But then I wonder – am I? Really? Has the dick phase
properly passed? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’d think that having children forces you to grow up a
lot, and focus on what’s important in life. They act like an anti-dick shield.
Or at least, they should, but I’m not really finding that. I still don’t feel
like a grown-up – I feel like a teenage imposter (with ever-increasing wrinkles
and saggy boobs), pretending to be a grown up, pretending that it’s okay that
I’m responsible for two actual people. I remember the first time I was left
alone with Boy No 1 (H)– it felt so bizarre and scary and a bit wrong that I
was responsible for everything to do with him – keeping him alive and stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I still don’t feel, or always act like, a grown up and,
while I’d like to think my dick tendencies have decreased even a little bit,
they still like to come to the surface every now and again. Having children
probably makes it worse for me as when I do get a rare night out/away I get
totally over-excited and regress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recent (ish) examples include:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Falling arse over tit at a very fancy wedding, skirt round
the ears, before getting up, sitting on randoms’ laps, falling over again on
the dance floor (it was Kanye, I couldn’t help it) and then being sick in my
bag on the bus back down the hill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having people over for dinner, ordering them around to make
the dinner before promptly falling asleep upstairs trying to calm Boy no 2 (C) down
(who then came downstairs while I was sleeping).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drinking far too many margaritas, standing in my knickers
demanding my husband (who was with a work colleague at the time) tell me where
they’d been (FYI – they’d been trying to locate the colleague’s luggage, which
they’d told me they were doing).</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These are just the tip of the iceberg – too many others I am
too ashamed to have on written record. And others that I have, thankfully,
forgotten – luckily, I have an appalling memory.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The only joy I have in my dick-stories, is that you have to
remember there is always someone worse out there. When I was teaching, we used
to go the pub a lot after work. I once (!) made a fool out of myself by
insisting, to the Deputy Head, that she was having a relationship with the
Headteacher – a claim I followed up with the ‘evidence’ I had gathered. I’m
pretty sure this was at about the end of my first week working there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BUT, even better, at the end of term party, a teaching
assistant got so drunk, that while she was sat on the Deputy Head’s lap, she
peed herself. She later passed out and had to have an ambulance called.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, there’s always someone worse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And don’t get me wrong – this isn’t totally
self-deprecating, I’m not down on myself. I’ve just learned to accept my
strengths and weaknesses. I have lots of strengths – I’m very good at relaxing,
I could win prizes for my napping ability and I’m getting better at drinking –
to name but a few.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, if maturing, and growing up and not acting like a dick
is like evolution, I think I’m still at the scraping-my-knuckles-along-the-floor-and-grunting-stage.
But I’m hoping one day soon I may be standing upright.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-5193245318546484632014-05-27T12:36:00.002-07:002014-05-27T12:36:43.063-07:00The Things I've Said...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIpJUuaBmy6cpKiTxUcXk9ZFJD5uW1OzMUMa8uz-MWxZmw5kneFaA1oPrk_da5W3yqWM-u4Pu_zm8o4fF_K6mrb6hOyOS56P-0QNVnasil2h8hrMY9NdBaARCANWuoh0LmpeVMwXdViPTW/s1600/Unknown-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIpJUuaBmy6cpKiTxUcXk9ZFJD5uW1OzMUMa8uz-MWxZmw5kneFaA1oPrk_da5W3yqWM-u4Pu_zm8o4fF_K6mrb6hOyOS56P-0QNVnasil2h8hrMY9NdBaARCANWuoh0LmpeVMwXdViPTW/s1600/Unknown-1.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me set the scene – it’s dinner time, my kitchen is a
mess – every surface covered with pots, pans, bowls, crumbs, sauce and spillage
(and this is just me conjuring up fish fingers, pasta and peas). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since coming home from school an hour and a half ago the
boys – H, 5 years old and C, 3 years old – have been wrestling, scrapping,
shouting, crying, poking, prodding and telling on each other – lots of telling
on each other. Finally, despite regular dashes to the living room/den/toilet/bedroom
to referee the latest spat, dinner is ready. I shout through to tell them to
wash their hands. And then shout through again. And then walk through and tell
them. And then tell them again. When they’re sat at the table I ask what they
want to drink and when they both reply with a demanding “water”, I add please
on the end. As I always do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And so, in Carrie Bradshaw style (but without the style, the
wardrobe the sex or the city), I got to thinking about the things I find myself
saying ALL THE BLOODY TIME since having children. And equally, the things I
hardly ever say anymore. This is what I came up with:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. NO<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is possibly the word I say most in my life and can be
used in many contexts. Some that spring to mind – <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, you can’t have a sweetie before breakfast, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, you can’t watch X-men, you’re 5 – what’s
that, Dad’s let you watch it before?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, you can’t get down from the table yet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, you can’t have another ice lolly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, your friend ______ can’t come round to play
right now<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, you can’t have that Lego set/car/transformer<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And of course, it’s also used a lot even when not directed
at the children – <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, I can’t go to the
pub/restaurant/party/festival/holiday<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, I don’t have anything smarter/without stains<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, I haven’t got round to the washing up/hovering/laundry/food
shopping/cleaning up the cat sick<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No, not tonight, I have a headache.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. PLEASE / THANK YOU
/ PARDON ME / EXCUSE ME / I WOULD LIKE <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Generally, any form of reminding them to use their manners.
This tends to be at the end of most sentences and becomes most enthusiastically
done when other people are involved i.e. any present receiving experience. The
embarrassed smile and nudge you have to give when your child rips open a
present and says loudly and grumpily, “But I didn’t want this”, reminding them
that what they should say is, “thank you very much, I love it” – even if it is
a second hand Barbie with an arm missing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. POO / FART /
ARSE-RELATED THINGS<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m quite ashamed of how much of a role poo has taken in my
life. I know the joke is that new mothers always discuss their newborn’s poo –
which is totally true (“it was really green today – does that mean he’s ill?”
“He had some runny poos and a sore bum, he must be teething”) – but no one
tells you it carries on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo6; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Have you got a poo?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo6; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Do you need a poo?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo6; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Who pooed in the bath?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo6; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Whose poo is on the wall?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo6; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->No darling, I don’t want to come and look at
your poo, I’m sure it’s fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Obviously, poo and fart are pretty much interchangeable. And
of course, none of this even touches on the hilarity that all this generates.
There’s nothing funnier than a clear-as-day, noisy, smelly fart. Apparently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. SLEEP / TIRED /
BED-RELATED THINGS<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQxFS2SDDG8daWOhY5Xgd69Od3Q7qwS3praFUbTzlDRm7h2hN2IMPiP5_GsG4EC7lgYnH3OouYzC1pQENhXTSAc17FYRsZOCtS4zHznNwASjkyik9GKHpwTOrNRUhb5DGq3ZcDhb5RLhnv/s1600/images-2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQxFS2SDDG8daWOhY5Xgd69Od3Q7qwS3praFUbTzlDRm7h2hN2IMPiP5_GsG4EC7lgYnH3OouYzC1pQENhXTSAc17FYRsZOCtS4zHznNwASjkyik9GKHpwTOrNRUhb5DGq3ZcDhb5RLhnv/s1600/images-2.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After having children, sleep takes on a mystical, elusive,
golden-fleece like quality. There’s talking about their sleep – <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->He slept for 45 minutes, then was awake for an
hour, then 45 minutes, then awake for 2 hours, then 45 minutes (I’m not even
kidding – in his first few months, H only ever slept for about an hour in one
go).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->When will he sleep through the night?!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->He slept through the night!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->He has to have his sleep, then I can leave the
house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l5 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I need to make sure I’m back by 11 so he can
have a sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then, more importantly, your own sleep. I was constantly
tired and not sleeping well before I had children – now I am exhausted and
broken and have given up on sleep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I’m so tired. (I say this so much it could
almost be my catch phrase)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I’m too tired to go out / make dinner / tidy up
/ have sex<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sleep inevitably takes on an Olympic-like competitive nature
with your partner. The taking turns for lie-ins (i.e. staying in bed past
6.30am) seems like a good idea but it never works out fairly – he’ll get the
one day they decide, miraculously, to sleep till nearly 8, when on you’re day
they were up at 6. And then the night-time wake ups. If you get up with them in
the night, does that make his lie-in null and void – or do you have to get up
with them more than once, or between the hours of 12-4 for that to happen? Over-used phrases go something like this - <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Ugh. Is that a cry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->It’s your turn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->But I got up with them in the night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->It’s my lie-in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Why are you tired? You had a lie-in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I need a nap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Sleeeeeeeeep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. TALKING ABOUT YOUR
CHILDREN, GENERALLY.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This can’t be helped, obviously, but I wish there were a way
of controlling it. We’ll go out on extremely rare, longed-for dates and often
spend most of the evening talking about the boys – how sweet they are, funny
things they’ve done, do you remember when…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This also seems to occur much more when aforementioned
children are in bed, asleep – that is when they are usually at their sweetest
and, as you sit on the sofa, drinking a glass of much-needed wine, relaxed and
recovered from the torments of the day, they don’t actually seem all that bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until they wake you up at 5.30 having shat the bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things I Haven’t
Said Enough Since Having Children.<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is a lot simpler.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>1. YES</b> (yes, I
can go out, yes, I’ll buy that dress, yes, let’s go on holiday etc. etc.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>2. HAVE YOU HEARD THE
NEW ALBUM BY / READ THE NEW BOOK BY / SEEN THE NEW FILM/PLAY</b>…. Anything to
do with culture – post-the-date-you-had-first-child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. I LOOK ALRIGHT
TODAY.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. THE NIGHT IS
YOUNG, IT’S ONLY 11 O’CLOCK.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. I’M FEELING RANDY.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-45677142889056997472014-05-20T09:21:00.000-07:002014-05-20T09:24:25.168-07:00We'll Always Have Paris<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another little bit of starter writing from the group. The title this time was "We'll always gave Paris". It's silly, but hopefully fun : )</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrh4kZVjXNg3OINSCdk2rC0jFClaMP6hxne8XBZAm6fxgt-DORLUnnpXQNyQQrtoRSt_gcF8bK8ZB4eUWWX_c3ngPmy944dG2M9lhhOiv6mHOoCKxU-RTHGUNPiwdtGTRj8JR7uUs2INdZ/s1600/images-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrh4kZVjXNg3OINSCdk2rC0jFClaMP6hxne8XBZAm6fxgt-DORLUnnpXQNyQQrtoRSt_gcF8bK8ZB4eUWWX_c3ngPmy944dG2M9lhhOiv6mHOoCKxU-RTHGUNPiwdtGTRj8JR7uUs2INdZ/s1600/images-1.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927018254024840046.post-46386003696687697872014-05-15T04:22:00.003-07:002014-05-15T04:22:32.677-07:00The Breakdown<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is a short story I wrote for the starter exercise in our writing group - the title of which was The Breakdown. I'd just like to stress that only some of this has actually happened to me - there is a lot of poetic license!! </span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Diary,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, this is my first time writing. I read somewhere that
keeping a journal can help you to vent so that all the nasty, negative feelings
that usually twist up your insides can be let free a bit. I figured I need to
try it as at the moment my insides are so twisted up with shitty thoughts and
feelings that they’re rotting away like road kill. That’s a bit how I feel
actually – like road kill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’re here on the Island – or, the Pile of Shite as Paul
sometimes calls it (though, of course, not being a proper Islander, I’m not
allowed to call it that). My friends are all up in London, living normal, fun,
busy lives. Paul is up in London doing the same, except a bit more importantly.
Where am I? Week in, week out? I’m here, with a body of water and two small
boys between me and the real world. To be quite honest, I’m going a little bit
mad. My whole world revolves around children, laundry and housework. That’s it.
Those three things – all of which are fucking hard work and mostly extremely
boring (less so the children, they’re more just hard work.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I’m hoping by keeping this diary I can retain, or
rediscover some of me – the proper, inner me, the me before my life was ruled
by nappies and washing cycles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Diary,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shit day, again. From exactly 3 minutes after waking up, the
boys were scrapping and fighting and wrestling and whinging and crying and
winding each other up. It takes me so bloody long to get us out of the door in
the morning because I can’t leave them alone for even 5 bloody minutes. I’m
constantly having to run next door to sort out who’s taken whose toy or who
pushed who or who….who the fuck cares! Deal with it. I’ve tried to leave them
to it a bit longer, give them time to sort it out themselves, to learn to
negotiate – or at least talk to each other like human beings, but it gets to
the point where it does actually sound like one of them will soon need to be
rushed to hospital. Lord of the Flies. So I bottle out. I end up walking back
from the school run feeling completely battered and bruised before the day has
even really started. And then, of course, I have to deal with the nuclear
fallout of mess left by the morning’s efforts. The amount of dirty underpants
and clothes, cars and books spewed around the house is quite amazing. And, of
course, the Lego. The fucking,
you-will-never-find-me-all-I-like-to-hide-and-pierce-the-inside-of-your-foot-with-every-step-you-take
Lego. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The cat is as bad as the children, whining at me whenever
she sees me. They’re always wanting something from me - all of them – food,
water, love, attention. They all want a piece of me and there are no pieces
left for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul texts in the afternoon. He’s meeting William Boyd for
lunch at The Ivy. What am I up to, he asks? Seriously?! I don’t answer. I don’t
want us to fall out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The boys get home from school and the countdown to bedtime
begins. If I can get them in bed by 6.30, I can be on the sofa with a glass of
wine by 6.32. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Diary,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Man alive, I have had a rubbish couple of weeks. Everyone
has been bloody ill. Josh started off with a standard cold and temperature. On
the Calpol every 4 hours, off school, too tired and out of sorts to deal with
his brother in any way. World War three every 5 minutes. Ended up as a chest
infection and he needed antibiotics. Just as he was getting better, Littlest
came down with the chickenpox. The Goddam, mother-fucking Chickenpox! I noticed
some spots on Friday morning, but it was Josh’s first day back and I couldn’t
face the prospect of losing the one day to myself - and at least 5 days after that - so I sent
him in anyway. Isn’t that terrible? My first thought when they get ill is
anxiety over losing me time. Sure enough, by the time I picked him up he was
covered. And so it began. Raging temperature, up pretty much all through the
night, sleeping next to me and feeling like a hot water bottle. We were both in
this endless, hot, sleepless void of ill. Calamine lotion over all the covers,
porridge oats in the bath, the whole house smelt of ill. And to top the whole
sorry nightmare off, Paul came home ill on Friday night and promptly took
himself off to bed for the whole weekend. He’d felt poorly on Wednesday but
soldiered on into work and to dinner meetings with writers, kept himself going
just long enough to get home and collapse. So there I am, looking after
everyone, as usual. Everyone and the cat. The cat who yowls and whines and has
started pissing places she shouldn’t and who always has shit nuggets hanging
off her arse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No help from anyone. No relief so I can grab a nap. When I
think about how much sleep I’ve lost in my life due to these children it’s
quite shocking. No wonder I look so fucking old. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I emerged the other side of that weekend feeling like I’d
been in some kind of trenches. I still don’t feel quite right, maybe the sleep
deprivation is still hanging on in there, maybe my anti-depressants need to be
upped. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For this last week, I’ve been experimenting with having a
small glass of wine before the boys’ bedtime – for medicinal purposes, to aid
the process of bedtime, which is fucking painful. It seems to be working though,
the whole thing is feeling slightly less horrific. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Diary,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a shit day, again, again, again! And this time I mean
it quite extremely literally. Woke up this morning and stepped in one of the 3
piles of shit the cat had left for me. Then had to scrub the toilet where there
was about half a turd smeared on the bowl that no one had been bothered to
clean up. Finally, this evening in the bath, Archie decided to do a shit which
I then, accordingly, had to fish out with my hands. Fishing shit out with my
hands?! REALLY?! This is what has happened to me? I have a degree, I had a
career – two actually, I was successful, I had a life. AND NOW I AM FISHING SHIT
OUT OF THE BATH.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Diary,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Deep breath. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am feeling calm and relaxed and mildly happy for the first
time in a very long time. It’s getting dark, I’ve lit the fire, and some
candles, and am on to my second bottle of wine. I’ve gone for the nice stuff Paul
keeps in the shed for special occasions. Me feeling happy, that’s a special
occasion. The house is quiet except for the washing machine – I finally got
round to doing a wash.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The boys are at school, I think. Except maybe I was supposed
to pick them up. Maybe that was why my phone was ringing every 5 minutes before
I turned it off. I’m sure someone will sort them out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m relaxing and feeling like myself. I’ve even written a
poem for the first time in ages. And done a painting. I can feel me coming back
to me. I’ll just finish this bottle while the washing finishes its cycle and
then the cat should finally be nice and clean. No more shit nuggets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Julia Tuffshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00492135258499942555noreply@blogger.com1