Dear Diary,
So, this is my first time writing. I read somewhere that
keeping a journal can help you to vent so that all the nasty, negative feelings
that usually twist up your insides can be let free a bit. I figured I need to
try it as at the moment my insides are so twisted up with shitty thoughts and
feelings that they’re rotting away like road kill. That’s a bit how I feel
actually – like road kill.
We’re here on the Island – or, the Pile of Shite as Paul
sometimes calls it (though, of course, not being a proper Islander, I’m not
allowed to call it that). My friends are all up in London, living normal, fun,
busy lives. Paul is up in London doing the same, except a bit more importantly.
Where am I? Week in, week out? I’m here, with a body of water and two small
boys between me and the real world. To be quite honest, I’m going a little bit
mad. My whole world revolves around children, laundry and housework. That’s it.
Those three things – all of which are fucking hard work and mostly extremely
boring (less so the children, they’re more just hard work.)
Anyway, I’m hoping by keeping this diary I can retain, or
rediscover some of me – the proper, inner me, the me before my life was ruled
by nappies and washing cycles.
Dear Diary,
Shit day, again. From exactly 3 minutes after waking up, the
boys were scrapping and fighting and wrestling and whinging and crying and
winding each other up. It takes me so bloody long to get us out of the door in
the morning because I can’t leave them alone for even 5 bloody minutes. I’m
constantly having to run next door to sort out who’s taken whose toy or who
pushed who or who….who the fuck cares! Deal with it. I’ve tried to leave them
to it a bit longer, give them time to sort it out themselves, to learn to
negotiate – or at least talk to each other like human beings, but it gets to
the point where it does actually sound like one of them will soon need to be
rushed to hospital. Lord of the Flies. So I bottle out. I end up walking back
from the school run feeling completely battered and bruised before the day has
even really started. And then, of course, I have to deal with the nuclear
fallout of mess left by the morning’s efforts. The amount of dirty underpants
and clothes, cars and books spewed around the house is quite amazing. And, of
course, the Lego. The fucking,
you-will-never-find-me-all-I-like-to-hide-and-pierce-the-inside-of-your-foot-with-every-step-you-take
Lego.
The cat is as bad as the children, whining at me whenever
she sees me. They’re always wanting something from me - all of them – food,
water, love, attention. They all want a piece of me and there are no pieces
left for me.
Paul texts in the afternoon. He’s meeting William Boyd for
lunch at The Ivy. What am I up to, he asks? Seriously?! I don’t answer. I don’t
want us to fall out.
The boys get home from school and the countdown to bedtime
begins. If I can get them in bed by 6.30, I can be on the sofa with a glass of
wine by 6.32.
Dear Diary,
Man alive, I have had a rubbish couple of weeks. Everyone
has been bloody ill. Josh started off with a standard cold and temperature. On
the Calpol every 4 hours, off school, too tired and out of sorts to deal with
his brother in any way. World War three every 5 minutes. Ended up as a chest
infection and he needed antibiotics. Just as he was getting better, Littlest
came down with the chickenpox. The Goddam, mother-fucking Chickenpox! I noticed
some spots on Friday morning, but it was Josh’s first day back and I couldn’t
face the prospect of losing the one day to myself - and at least 5 days after that - so I sent
him in anyway. Isn’t that terrible? My first thought when they get ill is
anxiety over losing me time. Sure enough, by the time I picked him up he was
covered. And so it began. Raging temperature, up pretty much all through the
night, sleeping next to me and feeling like a hot water bottle. We were both in
this endless, hot, sleepless void of ill. Calamine lotion over all the covers,
porridge oats in the bath, the whole house smelt of ill. And to top the whole
sorry nightmare off, Paul came home ill on Friday night and promptly took
himself off to bed for the whole weekend. He’d felt poorly on Wednesday but
soldiered on into work and to dinner meetings with writers, kept himself going
just long enough to get home and collapse. So there I am, looking after
everyone, as usual. Everyone and the cat. The cat who yowls and whines and has
started pissing places she shouldn’t and who always has shit nuggets hanging
off her arse.
No help from anyone. No relief so I can grab a nap. When I
think about how much sleep I’ve lost in my life due to these children it’s
quite shocking. No wonder I look so fucking old.
I emerged the other side of that weekend feeling like I’d
been in some kind of trenches. I still don’t feel quite right, maybe the sleep
deprivation is still hanging on in there, maybe my anti-depressants need to be
upped.
For this last week, I’ve been experimenting with having a
small glass of wine before the boys’ bedtime – for medicinal purposes, to aid
the process of bedtime, which is fucking painful. It seems to be working though,
the whole thing is feeling slightly less horrific.
Dear Diary,
What a shit day, again, again, again! And this time I mean
it quite extremely literally. Woke up this morning and stepped in one of the 3
piles of shit the cat had left for me. Then had to scrub the toilet where there
was about half a turd smeared on the bowl that no one had been bothered to
clean up. Finally, this evening in the bath, Archie decided to do a shit which
I then, accordingly, had to fish out with my hands. Fishing shit out with my
hands?! REALLY?! This is what has happened to me? I have a degree, I had a
career – two actually, I was successful, I had a life. AND NOW I AM FISHING SHIT
OUT OF THE BATH.
Dear Diary,
Deep breath.
I am feeling calm and relaxed and mildly happy for the first
time in a very long time. It’s getting dark, I’ve lit the fire, and some
candles, and am on to my second bottle of wine. I’ve gone for the nice stuff Paul
keeps in the shed for special occasions. Me feeling happy, that’s a special
occasion. The house is quiet except for the washing machine – I finally got
round to doing a wash.
The boys are at school, I think. Except maybe I was supposed
to pick them up. Maybe that was why my phone was ringing every 5 minutes before
I turned it off. I’m sure someone will sort them out.
I’m relaxing and feeling like myself. I’ve even written a
poem for the first time in ages. And done a painting. I can feel me coming back
to me. I’ll just finish this bottle while the washing finishes its cycle and
then the cat should finally be nice and clean. No more shit nuggets.
Excellent! Well written. Keep going. Hope gets better and summer makes up for it. I know not all literally true but i know what it's like with travelling husband and two little kids. Wine often the answer. LOL XXX
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