So, this is my first time writing. I read somewhere that keeping a journal can help you to vent so that all the nasty, negative feelings that usually twist up your insides can be let free a bit. I figured I need to try it as at the moment my insides are so twisted up with shitty thoughts and feelings that they’re rotting away like road kill. That’s a bit how I feel actually – like road kill.
We’re here on the Island – or, the Pile of Shite as Paul sometimes calls it (though, of course, not being a proper Islander, I’m not allowed to call it that). My friends are all up in London, living normal, fun, busy lives. Paul is up in London doing the same, except a bit more importantly. Where am I? Week in, week out? I’m here, with a body of water and two small boys between me and the real world. To be quite honest, I’m going a little bit mad. My whole world revolves around children, laundry and housework. That’s it. Those three things – all of which are fucking hard work and mostly extremely boring (less so the children, they’re more just hard work.)
Anyway, I’m hoping by keeping this diary I can retain, or rediscover some of me – the proper, inner me, the me before my life was ruled by nappies and washing cycles.
Shit day, again. From exactly 3 minutes after waking up, the boys were scrapping and fighting and wrestling and whinging and crying and winding each other up. It takes me so bloody long to get us out of the door in the morning because I can’t leave them alone for even 5 bloody minutes. I’m constantly having to run next door to sort out who’s taken whose toy or who pushed who or who….who the fuck cares! Deal with it. I’ve tried to leave them to it a bit longer, give them time to sort it out themselves, to learn to negotiate – or at least talk to each other like human beings, but it gets to the point where it does actually sound like one of them will soon need to be rushed to hospital. Lord of the Flies. So I bottle out. I end up walking back from the school run feeling completely battered and bruised before the day has even really started. And then, of course, I have to deal with the nuclear fallout of mess left by the morning’s efforts. The amount of dirty underpants and clothes, cars and books spewed around the house is quite amazing. And, of course, the Lego. The fucking, you-will-never-find-me-all-I-like-to-hide-and-pierce-the-inside-of-your-foot-with-every-step-you-take Lego.
The cat is as bad as the children, whining at me whenever she sees me. They’re always wanting something from me - all of them – food, water, love, attention. They all want a piece of me and there are no pieces left for me.
Paul texts in the afternoon. He’s meeting William Boyd for lunch at The Ivy. What am I up to, he asks? Seriously?! I don’t answer. I don’t want us to fall out.
The boys get home from school and the countdown to bedtime begins. If I can get them in bed by 6.30, I can be on the sofa with a glass of wine by 6.32.
Man alive, I have had a rubbish couple of weeks. Everyone has been bloody ill. Josh started off with a standard cold and temperature. On the Calpol every 4 hours, off school, too tired and out of sorts to deal with his brother in any way. World War three every 5 minutes. Ended up as a chest infection and he needed antibiotics. Just as he was getting better, Littlest came down with the chickenpox. The Goddam, mother-fucking Chickenpox! I noticed some spots on Friday morning, but it was Josh’s first day back and I couldn’t face the prospect of losing the one day to myself - and at least 5 days after that - so I sent him in anyway. Isn’t that terrible? My first thought when they get ill is anxiety over losing me time. Sure enough, by the time I picked him up he was covered. And so it began. Raging temperature, up pretty much all through the night, sleeping next to me and feeling like a hot water bottle. We were both in this endless, hot, sleepless void of ill. Calamine lotion over all the covers, porridge oats in the bath, the whole house smelt of ill. And to top the whole sorry nightmare off, Paul came home ill on Friday night and promptly took himself off to bed for the whole weekend. He’d felt poorly on Wednesday but soldiered on into work and to dinner meetings with writers, kept himself going just long enough to get home and collapse. So there I am, looking after everyone, as usual. Everyone and the cat. The cat who yowls and whines and has started pissing places she shouldn’t and who always has shit nuggets hanging off her arse.
No help from anyone. No relief so I can grab a nap. When I think about how much sleep I’ve lost in my life due to these children it’s quite shocking. No wonder I look so fucking old.
I emerged the other side of that weekend feeling like I’d been in some kind of trenches. I still don’t feel quite right, maybe the sleep deprivation is still hanging on in there, maybe my anti-depressants need to be upped.
For this last week, I’ve been experimenting with having a small glass of wine before the boys’ bedtime – for medicinal purposes, to aid the process of bedtime, which is fucking painful. It seems to be working though, the whole thing is feeling slightly less horrific.
What a shit day, again, again, again! And this time I mean it quite extremely literally. Woke up this morning and stepped in one of the 3 piles of shit the cat had left for me. Then had to scrub the toilet where there was about half a turd smeared on the bowl that no one had been bothered to clean up. Finally, this evening in the bath, Archie decided to do a shit which I then, accordingly, had to fish out with my hands. Fishing shit out with my hands?! REALLY?! This is what has happened to me? I have a degree, I had a career – two actually, I was successful, I had a life. AND NOW I AM FISHING SHIT OUT OF THE BATH.
I am feeling calm and relaxed and mildly happy for the first time in a very long time. It’s getting dark, I’ve lit the fire, and some candles, and am on to my second bottle of wine. I’ve gone for the nice stuff Paul keeps in the shed for special occasions. Me feeling happy, that’s a special occasion. The house is quiet except for the washing machine – I finally got round to doing a wash.
The boys are at school, I think. Except maybe I was supposed to pick them up. Maybe that was why my phone was ringing every 5 minutes before I turned it off. I’m sure someone will sort them out.
I’m relaxing and feeling like myself. I’ve even written a poem for the first time in ages. And done a painting. I can feel me coming back to me. I’ll just finish this bottle while the washing finishes its cycle and then the cat should finally be nice and clean. No more shit nuggets.